Mid Atlantic Magpie Chatter forum: Bellylaughs #4 - October 2010
Views: 23, Replies: 147 » Jump to the end |
|
|||
Wow - the fun just keeps comin'!  Time to start another thread! Bring all your side-splittin', giggle-makin', laugh-out-loud stories to share with us.  We came from here: http://cubits.org/MidAtlanticMusings/thread/view/35051/  Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett |
|
|||
| Love that Kitty pix Barb!! Thanks for the new thread. |
|
|||
 Woman on the eastbound train ...........................................Je Suis Désolé. (also a mule lovin', Charley huggin' girl) |
|
|||
| >giggle< Hey, Inky! In the end, only kindness matters. Art and Artists & The Reading Room http://cubits.org/thereadingroom/ |
|
|||
| He thread watches fer me when I'm doin' sumpthin else.... Woman on the eastbound train ...........................................Je Suis Désolé. (also a mule lovin', Charley huggin' girl) |
|
|||
| Just in time for the season, we've got a fun new thread open here: http://cubits.org/MidAtlanticMusings/thread/view/37148/ |
|
|||
| How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb! Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.” Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle… Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. When the same question was asked of cats, the researchers got quite a different response: “Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: ‘How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?’ ” |
|
|||
| You know you're a dog person if: You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children. Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week. You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies. The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work. You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy. Your dog sleeps with you. Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other. You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside. You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands. Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course). You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't. You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times. You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid. You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog. You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable. You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie. You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it's one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you. You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out. You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water. You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself. Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog. You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story). You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog. You have your dog's picture on your office desk (but no one else's). You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get. You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work. You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk. You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog. Your friend's dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding. Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days). You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor...). Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else. You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too). You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots. You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner. You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta. You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog. You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human. Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site! Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog. You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore. Your jewelry box contains no jewels... just those fasteners from vari-kennels. Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy's first name is Best of Breed. Your house isn't carpeted--the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough... Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?" Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds. You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run through on your own hair. At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table. You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed magazine you know you will find them there. You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts. You have dog toys and treats in your briefcase. You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your dogs but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to grandma. You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shinny, new vehicle to make sure it works! You can't get the groceries in the car because its A) already full of dog food B) you have that big old crate in there. You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby. You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates... The passenger seat is full of dog stuff. You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats. You have six squeaky hedgehogs... but only 1 with a squeaky that works. You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for movie night. You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck to it... When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it... People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes; they realize it is a hopeless case. |
|
|||
| Well I guess I'm a dog lover since 95% of those statements I can attest too! Oh yeah and you can tell by my screen name too That was great Hart thanks, it made me  It happens in a flash, but the memory of it last forever. It can not be borrowed or stolen, and it is of no earthly good until it is given away. So if in your hurry you meet someone who is too weary to smile, leave him one of yours, for no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none to give... |
|
|||
| If movie characters didn't make horrible decisions http://www.cracked.com/article_18791_if-movie-characters-did... |
|
|||
| Hart, I really liked that first dog one. Such characterizations!! The last one was as stupid as the films. |
|
|||
| Clues that Martha Stewart is stalking your dog 10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar. 9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears. 8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks. 7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia. 6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl. 5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip. 4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds. 3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate. 2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots. AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS... 1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans. |
|
|||
| That's a good one!! |
|
|||
| More signs that you're a dog person: You have a mental list of people you would like to spay or neuter. Running out of paper towels is a household crisis. You stick fake reindeer antlers on the dog and photograph him for your Christmas Cards. Not only do family and friends think you go overboard with doggie holiday decorations, they have never seen the holy family depicted by dogs. Your checks show a dog. You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture. You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears. You not only allow dogs on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because the dog has "territorial issues." You and your vet are on a first name basis. You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store. You know all the characteristics of a good "stool". |
|
|||
| Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?" |
|
|||
| Hart these people are worse than gardeners. |
|
|||
| Huh? Nuns? Dog people? I don't understand. |
|
|||
| LOL the Dog people silly!! But I'll have to think about the nuns. |
|
|||
| Speaking of nuns...it really isn't fair that nuns don't wear habits anymore. How do you know whatever person you are speaking to isn't a nun? I think that doing away with their habits was one of the worse things nuns ever did. Face it a nun in a jogging suit just does not command the same respect as one in a habit. I know that this has impacted their ability to discipline kids in school as many of my friends who are lay teachers in Catholic schools have commented on it. Apparently it's not only affected the behavior of the kids, but also that of the parents. The student's parents today feel as comfortable verbally abusing a nun as they do a lay teacher. I think the habit was a great behavior definer. It's also pretty embarassing to find out that the one woman sitting at your table that you don't know just after you've told an off color joke is an Albert Nipon wearing nun. Before sisters just had to have 1 or 2 outfits and heavens knows their salaries can't afford much in the way of wardrobes. There are fewer & fewer nuns today and I can't help but think that the loss of the habits has something to do with it. |
|
|||
Dang Hart, how long have you been saving those up???  Okay, my contribution for the week: My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, then, stay off your bicycle for about a week." In the end, only kindness matters. Art and Artists & The Reading Room http://cubits.org/thereadingroom/ |
| « Back to the top « Cubits.org homepage « Mid Atlantic Musings cubit homepage « Mid Atlantic Magpie Chatter forum |
You must first create a username and login before you can reply to this thread.
