Being Open. forum: Stuck in the middle

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Imagethreegardeners
Jun 13, 2010 4:43 PM CST
Name: Lee Anne Stark
Ontario, Canada
Perpetually happy!
We all live in this house..Mom, myself, my brother and DH. Mom and DH are in the apartment in back.

DH can be sarcastic, even when he's trying to be funny. Mom can be way too sensitive and sometimes takes things the wrong way...DH can too for that matter.

Anyways...they've been fighting today. I'm stuck in the middle...the old "he said, she said" bit. Truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

Then I have to listen to them both...
Mom gets into the "do it all yourself then" thing.
DH gets into the "I don't belong here" thing.

SIGH.

Over something sooo stupid and trivial it blows my mind!!

What would you all do? Try to referee or let them fight it out? Especially when they both want me to believe them.
Imagetomatofreak
Jun 14, 2010 10:43 PM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
I don't think I know a single person who hasn't been in that spot. Feuding people always want someone to 'take their side', to referee and call a winner. Earth to Lee Anne: The referee always loses.

I'm sure you love them both, perhaps even equally, but differently. I think if it were me, I'd sit them down together, tell them I love them, but that's it's unfair to me for them to put me in the middle. I'd ask them to sit down and calmly try to come up with a plan for peaceful coexistence. Then I'd tell them I'm going to walk away next time they bring their argument to me. You'd be amazed how well people can get along when they find a common 'enemy'. And while they're in a snit about your refusal to be a fall guy, they might actually learn to be civil to each other. Worth a try?
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Imagetomatofreak
Jun 16, 2010 9:50 AM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
Lee Anne, was that too harsh? I didn't mean to drive you away. How are you today?
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Imagethreegardeners
Jun 16, 2010 9:56 AM CST
Name: Lee Anne Stark
Ontario, Canada
Perpetually happy!
oh nooo...you weren't too harsh at all!!

Sorry, I had unwatched this so Hubby wouldn't see it, then promptly forgot where I'd posted it!!

Your advice is good...the "earth to LeeAnne" made me giggle out loud :)

I'll give it a try next time...and there will be a next time!
Imagetomatofreak
Jun 16, 2010 1:24 PM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
Oh, good; I was a bit worried. Of course, there will be a "next time" - your mom and DH have fallen into patterns of relating to each other. We all do that. It takes some work to change patterns. I oughtta know... Rolling my eyes.
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Image1AnjL
Jun 21, 2010 7:44 PM CST
Name: AnjL/Annmarie
CA Sierra Mts
oh Leanne, I know exactly what you're going thru! My step kids are constantly trying to do the 'triangle' thing with me and my DH. Their goal is to get me to take their side against their dad, or even worse, when they are mad at me and try to get DH to take their side. I just began to flatly refuse to participate. When they come to me with a complaint about DH I listen and then ask them what they plan to do about THEIR problem with him Big Grin or when DH comes to me and says kid #1 is mad at you because you... I cut him off and tell him that kid #1 needs to come discuss it with me Big Grin They are quickly finding out that I wont be stuck in the middle anymore!
All Things Hobby
All the coffee in Columbia will never make me a morning person!
Imagethreegardeners
Jun 22, 2010 5:20 AM CST
Name: Lee Anne Stark
Ontario, Canada
Perpetually happy!
Good plan Angel!!
I'll try that approach next time :))
ImageAguane
Jun 25, 2010 10:22 PM CST
Name: Susie
Phoenix AZ
I'll preface this with --- I don't have children and I do have 2 ex husbands.. who are not bad folks.
But, I do run into this triagulation thing at work and in personal relationships. I practice my "Mona Lisa" stance when first a "complaint or argument or persuasion" comes my way. I sit quietly with my hands folded gracefully in my lap, my gaze is fixed on the perp and I engage my little smile. I listen. They rant and say their piece. I think about what they've said and respond with as few words as possible totally addressing what they've stated.... my opinion or my question back to them... trying to remain as calm and objective and sane as possible. NO demonstration. They either decide they can engage me in "play or drama" or they decide to discuss whatever, in a rational, calm manner. ... and I agree with your tactic, Ann Marie!
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein
~ All Things Plants, SOUTHWEST GARDENING ~Cubits.org ENERGY & POWER

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