Healthy Happy & Hip Living in the Mid Atlantic forum: Caregiving #3 - September 2010

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ImageDaylilyDiva219
Sep 17, 2010 9:10 AM CST
Name: Barb
Falls Church, VA
Zone 7a
We came from here: http://cubits.org/MidAtlanticMusings/thread/view/32678/#new_...

This thread has become an invaluable resource and a source of support for many of us who are caregivers to relatives or friends. Please, pull up a chair, put your feet up, take a break and chat with others who've also been there, and really DO know how you feel!

Image provided by DaylilyDiva219
Thumb of 2010-09-16/DaylilyDiva219/c6d237
Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett
[Last edited Sep 17, 2010 9:11 AM CST]
Quote | Post #409228 (1)
ImageDaylilyDiva219
Sep 17, 2010 9:16 AM CST
Name: Barb
Falls Church, VA
Zone 7a
I posted this back on #2, but want to be sure that Sally finds it, and knows that we're thinking of her today as the family gathers for the service for her Mom.

Hopefully there will be smiles of fond remembrance along with the tears of sadness, as you celebrate the life of your cherished Mom. HUGS to you today!!!
Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett
Imagestormyla
Sep 17, 2010 9:59 AM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
Barb, Thanks for the new thread. My day today began with thoughts of Sally and i'm sure others are thinking of her too. Thanks for expressing those thoughts Barb.

Sheryl, I have found in my experiences with my mother as well as with my own medical issues that doctors will often tell you things that conflict with what each other says and also with what you read on the internet. I've also found doctors to miss a thing or two here and there. Often the things that get overlooked or are in conflict are because they have considered that particular item and dismissed it because of other observations. None of them are going to explain their every thought process to us is the short amount of time that they spend with each patient.

Our mechanics don't do this and we don't expect them to. Attorneys will be happy to do this, as the more you question them... well you know how that goes. I think it's important to judge their entirely body of work as you have known it before looking to make a change. It's also important to go back to them and discuss what the other doctor had to say and let them know how you feel. But, I believe that it's premature to do that at this point.
mamajack
Sep 17, 2010 12:15 PM CST
Name: barb allison
Fate, Texas zone 8a
i must have been typing while yall were locking the old thread. everything i said has disappeared into cyberland.
hart
Sep 17, 2010 12:30 PM CST
Who said we don't expect mechanics to do this? I do! LOL But this wasn't a matter of explaining his thought processes. I think it was more like arrogant doctor gets snappy when some mere patient or mere non-specialist (AKA the hoi polloi) dares to disagree with him.

Sheryl, I sure do understand what you're saying about doctors and choices in a rural area. But I think the problem with doctors' lack of bedside manner is found everywhere nowadays.

I know we're all thinking of Sally today and sending her our love and support. Group hug
Imagesheryl
Sep 17, 2010 12:45 PM CST
Name: Sheryl
Middle Tennessee, 6b
Thanks everyone ... I'm certainly not making any sudden moves (not that I really can, lol). More on that later.

Please add my hugs to your list, Sally - a tough day, for sure. Please be gentle with yourself and try to keep in mind that every ending carries a new beginning. You are in our hearts.
Imagestormyla
Sep 17, 2010 1:14 PM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
Barb, Sorry about that. If you have the time, we'd love to hear what you have to say. Hart I have no need to know everything about the workings of my heart, car, computer or anything else. nor could I find out and absorb even in a years worth of study, everything any of those physicians knows from all of their schooling, continuing ed, and real life experiences. Face it they see a lot of things that are contrary to what their textbooks say. If we could know all of this stuff, we wouldn't need doctors.

You are exactly right. He was snappy, quick to judge and insensitive to the fact that the PCP was the referrer and a valuable resource to Sheryl and her family. ln a small community, this is even more questionable.
luvsgrtdanes
Sep 17, 2010 1:20 PM CST
Name: Ronnie
Southeastern PA~Zone 6
I Love MAM~So Happy Together
♥♥ Group hug Sally you are in my heart today especially Group hug ♥♥
It happens in a flash, but the memory of it last forever. It can not be borrowed or stolen, and it is of no earthly good until it is given away. So if in your hurry you meet someone who is too weary to smile, leave him one of yours, for no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none to give...

Imagecritterologist
Sep 17, 2010 3:03 PM CST
Name: Critter (Jill)
MD
Sally, you and your family were in my thoughts and prayers as we drove home today. **HUGS**
Circles of Support for Breast Cancer
I'm learning to dance in the rain! Thank you, Sally & Chris & Sharon.
Imagesallyg
Sep 17, 2010 8:27 PM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
Sheryl, here on the great suburban continent of the Midatlantic Coastal, w e are so densedly developed and thick with doctors, we don't appreciate how it is different in other areas. Even my aunt who lives in Cumberland MD , had to drive far away just for a root canal! The city of Cumberland around 20,000 population doesn't even support a dentist capable of all root canals. Sheesh. Given those factors I think I could stick with that doc a little more.

I just had to check in back here--get a few more hugs. actually the day was not as painful as I feared. We got to church and had an hour of getting togethr time in the back of the church. Among the flowers, there was a beautiful, huge floral arrangement already up by the altar, turns out it was sent by DH work (a big company) and absolutely gorgeous with an angel statue in it too. Just perfect to be on the table up on the 'altar" (narthex?) with Moms ashes and picture during the service. Moms church friends came, I heard many familair names and glowing praise about Mom from years of church involvement. My brpther, sister and I each had a couple friends, and a few guys DH and I know from his workplace.
The service was just perfect, the; organist played, we also had a soloist who sang A 23rd psalm inspired song and the Pie Jesu, she was lovely. My brother spoke for us, barely making it past being choked up. My girlfriend I lived with in the crazy fun single days came and that really touched me as she spoke to the testament of Moms love that her kids would try to be so helpful to her.
So There were tears of sadness and of releif. There've been times over the years to be afraid of how it would feel. And great comfort from having poeple come for us.
Afterward there was lots of treats baked by the church ladies. brought a lot home. Changed our clothes and our family group of ten went to a crab house for a great dinner.
I'm sort of glad to be over that hurdle but suddenly feeling like I've crossed over a bridge and left Mom on the other side--the day has certified in a way that my life is different now. and that Mom has started inexorably drifting away. Group hug
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
ImageDaylilyDiva219
Sep 17, 2010 8:31 PM CST
Name: Barb
Falls Church, VA
Zone 7a
Sally, good to hear from you! It sounds like the service was a wonderful tribute to your Mom, and her life was well-lived! You can hardly ask for more. The transition from "daughter" to "orphan" (so to speak) is tough, and it's going to keep surprising you for a while, but you are such a strong person, and you know you have no regrets, so just check in here and we will be ready with all the hugs you need! Group hug Lovey dubby

Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett
Imagestormyla
Sep 17, 2010 9:08 PM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
Barb, We all have some tiny little regrets and misgivings, but they go away in time. What remains is the love and the joy at remembering the good times. The pain of our loss and our loved one's suffering ebbs away over time. I'll never forget the first day about a month after my mother died that I realized that I hadn't cried that day. The funeral day does feel surreal and you do feel adrift and unanchored., but also relieved and forever changed.

Sally, all of your planning was a true act of love and I'm sure was well appreciated by all of your family and your mom's friends. Each day, you will feel what you feel and those feelings will be a testament toward the love you & your mom shared. Grief is love and you both deserve to experience it. As Barb says, we are here to listen and hug. Lovey dubby
Imagesheryl
Sep 18, 2010 9:44 AM CST
Name: Sheryl
Middle Tennessee, 6b
I think community makes such a huge difference, it so softens the tough parts. I'm glad your brother made it back for the funeral. Your friend coming in is a great reminder to us all how much what might have been a small gift for her to give was a priceless one for you to receive.

I will put in a plug for not letting guilt in at this point. You will still be very vulnerable - luxuriating in having your life back after the past months of running in the health care circles, wondering if you made the right choices and second-guessing yourself. It is not instructive, it is not helpful and it can tear you apart for *no* good reason whatsoever. Don't open the door to it if it comes knocking, know that you did the absolute best you were capable of, and thoughtfully, and carefully, despite the frustrations, roadblocks and set backs. And I know your mom was so grateful for her girl.
hart
Sep 18, 2010 11:23 AM CST
Sally, the service sounds like it was beautiful. And you've carried so much of this alone for the past couple of years, I'm so glad you had your friends and family there to comfort you.
luvsgrtdanes
Sep 18, 2010 2:40 PM CST
Name: Ronnie
Southeastern PA~Zone 6
I Love MAM~So Happy Together
Very well said Sheryl it's so hard to not answer that damn door Sad

I have heard a lot of people say funerals are useless and only make the family sad....I have to so disagree with that...they are a tribute to a loved one and a final goodbye...that part of closure is so needed. Having been through a couple of really hard deaths and seeing faces of friends and loved ones paying tribute will be in my heart forever.

Sally, take care of yourself, it tough being an orphan Group hug The word Caregiving says it all Group hug We are here if need be Lovey dubby
It happens in a flash, but the memory of it last forever. It can not be borrowed or stolen, and it is of no earthly good until it is given away. So if in your hurry you meet someone who is too weary to smile, leave him one of yours, for no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none to give...

Imagestormyla
Sep 18, 2010 4:29 PM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
I agree Ronnie. Funerals are good for the soul. I'd love to have a New Orleans style one.
luvsgrtdanes
Sep 18, 2010 6:41 PM CST
Name: Ronnie
Southeastern PA~Zone 6
I Love MAM~So Happy Together
I'll never forget one funeral in particular we went too...a young man over dosed and at the time his mother and I were not the best of friends....not even on speaking terms...she was brought to her knees seeing me....thoughtfulness overcomes pettiness every time.
It happens in a flash, but the memory of it last forever. It can not be borrowed or stolen, and it is of no earthly good until it is given away. So if in your hurry you meet someone who is too weary to smile, leave him one of yours, for no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none to give...

Imagestormyla
Sep 18, 2010 7:12 PM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
Funerals do have a way of putting life into perspective.
Imagesallyg
Sep 19, 2010 6:57 AM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
Thanks Sheryl, Diane, Ronnie, Storms. Group hug You're all so good to me!
Ronnie--overcoming pettiness. So right! I can't imagine too many 'worse' funerals than losing a young adult to drugs.
And that may be why seeing my old roomie there was so touching to me. I had lots of fun with her in The Day Thumbs up and always enjoy her company- of course we all have our quirks (except me I am perfect Thumbs up ) but since we had been out of touch and I and missed her mother and fathers funerals, to have her appear at Moms service was so touching. Side story--Debbie's daughter is sixteen and in community theater. She appeared in The Wiz near Moms house in the spring. A perfect chance to take Mom out but at something small cute and easy to do. It was a perfect night and Mom enjoyed it so much. So thats another funny angle to this, kind of a Small World thing.

Speaking of Small World---One of my brothers BF in high school and since, works for the same company as DH. Now DH and this guy have golfed together a few times with the golf group. Thats really a Small World thing!

Diiane, how's our Ms Irene doing?

Sheryl, so did that doc continue the med your Mom had started? Or what did he say about that, if he didn't really agree with the diagnosis?
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
Imagestormyla
Sep 19, 2010 9:24 AM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
Connecting with people is one of the nice things about funerals. Sometimes it leads to reactivating "lapsed" relationships which can be a very nice thing. Sally I hope that you don't push yourself too hard to clean out your mom's house. It's nice to have your family here to help you with it, but some things are a bit better done over time too.

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