Healthy Happy & Hip Living in the Mid Atlantic forum: Caregiving #4 - November 2010

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ImageDaylilyDiva219
Nov 4, 2010 3:41 PM CST
Name: Barb
Falls Church, VA
Zone 7a
We came from over here: http://cubits.org/MidAtlanticMusings/thread/view/35282/#new_...

Please continue to share your complaints, worries, solutions, suggestions, and yes, even vents, as the challenge of caring for ailing or elderly family or friends goes on. Group hug

Thumb of 2010-09-16/DaylilyDiva219/8e4fdc
Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett
Imagesallyg
Nov 4, 2010 4:22 PM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
My BIL had a kidney MRI on Tues and has not been called yet~~so at least doc has not called to rush him into surgery. Mom had her first and only colonoscopy in 2007 only to have the doc talk to us immediately afterwards--there was a mass so close to total blockage that they arranged everything for her with a MRI/ cat scan or something and visit with surgeon within days--it was pretty scary yet reassuring how fast they got her in for fear she could get totally blocked and need emergency surgery.

BIL called today and said he will take a mini recorder in to his visit and record everything to listen back later with my sister. Great idea!.

I got some material from IRS and am delving into that for estate. It seems they tell you everything you need to know--if you can plow through it all.
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
ImageDaylilyDiva219
Nov 4, 2010 4:33 PM CST
Name: Barb
Falls Church, VA
Zone 7a
VERY good idea on your brother's part to take that tape recorder in with him! Thumbs up

We also got a good checklist of things we'd need to do regarding my mom's estate from the Funeral Home. How are things going with all the Estate details? Are you planning to sell her house?

We're pretty discouraged about that right now. We've had the house on the market since Mid-May and there's been no action, no serious nibbles at all. We've had to drop the price by $10K, and still nothing. And of course, this time of year, even in the best of times, is not a hot time for Real Estate... Sad I'm just glad it's fully paid for, so all I have to cover are the minimal utility bills and property tax!

Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett
Imagesallyg
Nov 5, 2010 6:23 AM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
Thanks Barb.
Well not having used a Funeral home we missed that goodie, but I have a book from the library about estate planning and admin. Some help. There doesn't seem to be much help out there on admin, in a concise list anyway.
The house is on the market FWIW! The agent has done two open house Sundays. Last Sunday being no Ravens football game, we had 14 groups come thru.I think everybody went out at once because of no game. I agree we really got it on the market too late for the fall season. Like with yours, this one is paid off and will only need minimal utilities and that expensive unoccupied dwelling insurance.

So I am still assembling $. Today I will call someone we use for investments and get advice. Moms broker WellsFarggo, did not offer any advice , just assumed we want to keep everything in the same funds but with the estate name on them. I don't think thats my only choice, and honestly we have a beef with WF ( no effort whatsoever to advise Mom. Only effort was to call her about eight years ago and offfer to consolidate all her stocks into WF accounts.) and would be happy enough to cut them out now. Plus it could be simpler if I don't have four different companies to deal with.

So heres a Q--when can you start disbursing?
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
Imagestormyla
Nov 5, 2010 10:39 AM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
Sally, Every states' laws are different. You need to get a publication from the state of Md.
hart
Nov 5, 2010 10:58 AM CST
Sally, my ex had surgery in May for a something on his kidney. Turned out it was just a benign growth and they're fairly common. He's doing fine but had his post op CAT scan about a month ago and it showed a growth starting on his other kidney. They're not going to operate on this one.

Looks like my parents' house is close to being sold too. It's hard to see it go. My grandparents' house next door is being rented to a guy who wants to buy it.
Imagesallyg
Nov 5, 2010 3:35 PM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
Thanks stormy

hart, well that is good news it will be sold, and hopefully you like that guy, since maybe you already know him from being next door. I was thinking how it would be harder for you than me, what with your dad's personal touch being all through the house on top of memories.
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
hart
Nov 5, 2010 3:39 PM CST
I don't know the guy. The realtor is handling all this stuff. Yes, that's why it's hard. Daddy built our house, Granddaddy built the house next door.
Imagesallyg
Nov 5, 2010 5:55 PM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
It is sad to lose these legacies. yet I don't want to move to my moms house, since we have the luxury of being able to buy our own house when we got married, and establish ourselves in a new area.
I worked with a young single mom on Tuesday, a really sharp and hardworking gal, and she told me all about the house she will inherit someday. Had quite a challenging childhood. It put homeownership in a refreshed perspective.
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
Imagestormyla
Nov 6, 2010 8:33 AM CST
Name: Stormy
Valley Forge Pa
I Love MAM ~ So Happy Together
The relationships that people have toward their childhood homes are very interesting.
luvsgrtdanes
Nov 6, 2010 9:15 AM CST
Name: Ronnie
Southeastern PA~Zone 6
I Love MAM~So Happy Together
One of the hardest decisions after my dad died was to sell the house, something I didn't want to do since for me it was where I grew up, only home I knew. My dad was a carpenter so there were alot of personal touches. It worked out for us my sister with the help of her daughter was able to by us out at fair market value. It's nice to still have it Lovey dubby
It happens in a flash, but the memory of it last forever. It can not be borrowed or stolen, and it is of no earthly good until it is given away. So if in your hurry you meet someone who is too weary to smile, leave him one of yours, for no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none to give...

hart
Nov 6, 2010 10:15 AM CST
Mom and her sisters used to go at least once a year and visit their old homeplace. In fact, they had been planning another trip for the week after she had her stroke when she had her stroke. My grandparents retired and sold the farm when I was a baby and no one has lived there since. The house has been torn up by scavengers taking clapboards and so on but the smokehouse and other outbuildings are still standing.

I think what makes it so hard is that Daddy is gone, my brother is gone, Mom is still here but not herself and it's the loss not just of your childhood but of loved ones and the family center. And for me, because my grandparents house is going too, it's two generations of this.
Imagesallyg
Nov 6, 2010 2:46 PM CST
Name: Sally
central Maryland
slef employed writier
I think a Group hug is in order.
"If you bring joy and enthusiasm to everything you do, people will think you're crazy" W. Haelfeli, New Yorker cartoon
mamajack
Nov 6, 2010 3:40 PM CST
Name: barb allison
Fate, Texas zone 8a
i feel like you ronnie about selling the old home place. too many memories. but all of our old home places have already been sold when i was still pretty young and dumb and broke. i returned to my grandpa's house about 12 years ago. knocked on the door and told them who i was and what i wanted to do. the people were so kind. let me come in and look. they had changed so much but i could still envision the way it was.
luvsgrtdanes
Nov 6, 2010 7:28 PM CST
Name: Ronnie
Southeastern PA~Zone 6
I Love MAM~So Happy Together
My sister has changed a lot to her taste of course but just knowing the memories are still there is nice. I don't feel like an orphan Lovey dubby

When we moved into the house we are in now the women that lived here came to visit, she was thrilled with what we had done but her daughter stayed in the car, couldn't bare to come in. Her father had built so much into it.
It happens in a flash, but the memory of it last forever. It can not be borrowed or stolen, and it is of no earthly good until it is given away. So if in your hurry you meet someone who is too weary to smile, leave him one of yours, for no one needs a smile quite as much as he who has none to give...

ImageDaylilyDiva219
Nov 6, 2010 8:12 PM CST
Name: Barb
Falls Church, VA
Zone 7a
It really is tough deciding to sell your family home, for whatever reason. It's really nice for those of you who were able to "keep it in the family" so to speak! Lovey dubby

We have no such option, really, so we have to sell it. Whenever... Blinking I'd been keeping it "up and running" as an option (so to speak!!!) for Mom to return to from her Assisted Living Facility for almost 18 months before she died, so it's been a huge burden/responsibility to deal with this unoccupied house, which was full of her stuff until she died. However, I wouldn't have had it any other way - she could not have dealt with the fact that she couldn't go back. Sad

Sally, as to when to disburse funds, it all depends on how her estate is structured. Mom's was in a Trust, and the house is the final piece, and all the rest of the bequests are in percentages of the total amount of the Trust, so we really have to wait until the house sells so we can figure those percentages.

Hope this helps a little. Group hug
Breathe in, Breathe out...Move on - Jimmy Buffett
ImageWoodwife
Nov 7, 2010 2:10 PM CST
Name: Wendy
N. of Houston, Texas - 8b
An Old Wive's Tale
Saying no and dealing with guilt.

Sunday is hectic day for me. It's the day when I have to tie up the loose ends of things that didn't get done the rest of the week so we can start the week fresh.

Mom called me this morning and wanted me to take her to the store to exchange a sweater she bought for her dog. She offered to help me with the laundry to make up for the time spent (although I'm not sure what she could have done in that respect). I asked her if it couldn't wait until tomorrow since I don't have anything waiting for me to do then. She said it was OK but sounded so disappointed. I asked if she was sure it was OK and she said yes, but she still had that disappointed tone in her voice.

The dog has never had a sweater before and has managed to survive the winter here in Houston without one, lol. It would be different if she said she was out of milk or something.

DH said he heard me on the phone and asked if he had just heard me say no to mom. I said yes and he said he was proud of me. I just feel like crap though Sad



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hart
Nov 7, 2010 2:17 PM CST
Awww, Wendy, don't feel bad. You gave her a very reasonable alternative. She probably used the dog sweater as an excuse because she was lonely. Why don't you just give her a call and chat for a while if you have time later today?
ImageWoodwife
Nov 7, 2010 2:47 PM CST
Name: Wendy
N. of Houston, Texas - 8b
An Old Wive's Tale
I was just there and she seemed fine with everything so I guess my pity party is over, darn!.

We live next door to each other. She also has a husband and a friend who lives with her. So she has lots of people to keep her company Thumbs up

Since her stroke she seems to be more impulsive and wants immediate gratification a lot like a child. I'm still trying to work out how much of her behavior is stroke related.
The Cottage in the Thicket , a place for pagans and friends.

Join me! Facebook: Woodwife Green

hart
Nov 7, 2010 3:08 PM CST
Oh, my gosh, yes. I really saw that with Mom. No filter either, or at least compared to her prior Lutheran church lady self. LOL

The impulsivity reminds me of ADD, the inability to shift focus (plan on doing something and having a bit of a hard time switching if they can't do it or have to delay) reminds me a lot of OCD. It's all brain parts not working correctly so it makes sense that you'd see behavior like this in both.

I'm glad she's fine. If you know ahead of time she's going to have a hard time shifting focus, it should make it easier for you to deal with her immediate disappointment.

Most of the time Mom will eventually be able to shift, but there are times when you just can't get her mind to shift tracks at all. I haven't figured out if this happens when she's agitated or if the inability to shift causes the agitation.

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