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Imagebsavage
Feb 26, 2010 12:11 PM CST
Name: Brenda
Dolores, Colorado
Thanks, Jo! And well said, Susie!
Pennypen
Mar 9, 2010 5:17 PM CST
Name: Katt
South Carolina
Flower Arrangements
Hi All
This is my first time here?
I can truly understand wanting to close the
world off.
As I am getting closer to 50, I look at things
different now than I use to.
My have been divorced twice before, married
real young , 18 and 22 years old.
I waited and waited and thought this time
it would be forever,
well it would have been for me, but I guess
my husbands idea was not the same mind
he use to drink, swore to me that he would
stop and he did . We got married things
were great for the first year ok the second
and it started getting worse and worse.
I told him I wouldn't be married to someone
who drinks, I didn't grow up with that as a child
drinking a little maybe at a party or special
evening, etc but not every night. I know when
to stop but his drinking is out of control
it's every chance he can and it's so bad
he passes out on the floor, bed,outside on
the patio, where ever.
I feel I can't leave him alone because I'm
not sure he will watch our dogs forgetting
to close the door, a couple of weeks ago
I came home the stove was on with a pan
on top smoking, I knew he was drunk
I asked him why the stove was on
he said I was crazy the stoves not on
there is more nights like this but
here lately it's getting worse.
Last year I found out he had been talking
to a female at his work and from the text
our marriage was over and he wanted her
etc.
Well things from that time which was around
July last year I know this, because on
my birthday in July he didn't call me all day
but I found out he called and text her
about 20 times that day.
I can't talk to my friend about everything
she knows and can't stand that I'm still
with him. But she has a wondeful loving
husband, after 10 years of marriages
he makes her feel loved and shows her
all the time.
My parents are gone, lost my mother when
I was 8 yrs old and my dad whom I was
never really close to until right before
he died in 2007.
my sister is much younger 16 years
so talking to her , well is not that easy .
I never had children, I wanted to but
found out this wasn't going to happen.
So here I am 48 wondening what in the
world to do next?
I can't just make a move without planning
I have a couple of health issues
and 8 dogs that I will not get rid of they
are my babies.
We bought a house, and with the economy
it would be hard to sell right now.
Yes, I know and fully understand
why just shutting out the world sounds good
I know it will take some time I will figure
things out,
I take it one day at a time and hope tomorrow
will be ok until I can get things in order
but I do have my moments when
I feel all alone with no one to talk to
or knows what pain I am going through,
I do feel all alone in the world.
Some days are worse than other days
some days I feel I won't be able to take it
another minute, I have started having
panic attacks, I know stress is bad for you
and it takes it toll on your health. I pray
that until I can find my way out of this stress
I can make it one day at a time
I pray for peace that one day I will have
peace and happiness!
Penny Penn
ImageRoadrunner
Mar 9, 2010 6:37 PM CST
Name: Jo Miklovic
Hereford, AZ

Hi Penny...I do feel for you....I told my second husband 3 things before I married him:
1. I won't live with a drunk
2. You might hit me once...not twice
3. I don't clean fish

He never drank ..except as you say...socially...he never hit me...was mad at me and broke a lamp once...and he tried to get me to clean his fish one time...I refused! He did it himslef!

We were married for 37 years before he died.

Any time you need an ear...you can C-mail me here...by clicking on my user name...Hugs Jo
ImageAguane
Mar 9, 2010 6:42 PM CST
Name: Susie
Phoenix AZ
Hi PennyPen,
I pray that you will have peace and happiness, too. And you will.
I read your post and thought I had written it myself. I thought I was reading about my life 3 1/2 years ago. My husband didn't have a sober minute for about 5 or more years. I was afraid to leave home for the exact same reasons you have given, everything was my fault, threats, yelling, passing out all over the house and outside on the patio. Falling down drunk, banging himself up with bruises he couldn't explain or remember. etc., etc. He had started to drink AND drive.... he'd leave the house drunk and drive.

I broke my leg badly in a car wreck and it turned my life around. After 3 months with a wheelchair and walker I knew I needed to make a change in my life and leave. I divorced him but had to stay in the house with him while it was for sale. FINALLY, we had a buyer after about 6 months. It was very tough but I learned something.

First, let me tell you the best thing I did for myself was leave for a week and visit old friends and family in another state. It gave me a new, real perspective of what my life was supposed to be like. I was refreshed. It allowed me to realize that I had put up a solid barrier between me and the rest of the world. I did that so I could cope with MY LIFE. Cope with MY LIFE? Why does one need to COPE with their life. My life is meant to be enjoyed. When I realized I'd put the barrier up I slowly began to peel it away. The trip was the beginning. I came back home and divorced him. Everyday I was moving to my goal of freedom. Painting the house to ready for sale etc.

Leaving for that week was very difficult. I was afraid of all of the fears you mentioned including the stove, dogs. But, I realized I was using those fears to trap myself. I had to take the chance, leave, and let him prove me right. He did. My fears came true. It was a shot in the arm to get moving and get out.

I was once friends with a woman who was an alcoholic. I worked for her son. She died the way alcoholics do. Her son said to me "the drinking never stays the same. They either stop or continue and it gets worse, but, it never stays the same". He was right and she killed herself with drink.

Just be aware that this is true for you. He either stops or it gets worse. What do you think will be the end result? Now is the time to make a choice. I waited until I was 10 years older than you are. Are you going to?

If you need help think about the women's shelters. Don't look back, move forward. You're young and deserve to enjoy your life.

Keep us in your thoughts, we're always here. I'll keep you in my thoughts and pray that you have strength to free yourself. Funny, I even thought I'd suggest you change your Cubit name, PennyPen. I thought it may be more appropriate to be PennyFree.

Take good care, PennyFree! You'll be amazed how quickly that barrier breaks down once you begin to act and take back your life.
Susie
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein
~ All Things Plants, SOUTHWEST GARDENING ~Cubits.org ENERGY & POWER
Pennypen
Mar 9, 2010 9:10 PM CST
Name: Katt
South Carolina
Flower Arrangements
Hi Susie
I wanted to say thank for the encourgement
i know I can't stay in this marraige,
I am working on going to dog grooming school
soon.
I hope then I will be able to afford to live
on my own,
I am planning on letting him keep the house
it just a house not a home. A home has love
the only love here is my puppies and they
will be with me.
Everyday living here takes so much out
of me. The lies, spending money we don't
have, the only time I have peace is when
he is sleeping.
Bi-polar who is an acholic, I live in fear every
moment not sure what he going to set
him off. The put downs, name calling,everything
is always my fault, always.
I know the marriage is over it has been
for months, I think you on though a period
of disbelief thinking how can this be
happening. And you try to fix the problem
you can't fix someone. They have to fix
themself. It takes two people to make a marriage
work this one hasn't worked in a long
time.
I know it's over I pray for the strengh to make
it each day until I can get through school
thanks again for listening it helps more
than you know!
I know it will be a better days ahead that
thought is what keeps me going.

Penny Penn
[Last edited Mar 9, 2010 9:23 PM CST]
Quote | Post #111433 (5)
ImageAguane
Mar 9, 2010 9:25 PM CST
Name: Susie
Phoenix AZ
pennyfree,
Hey, I totally understand. Dog grooming is a great job that is easily mobile from state to state. I have a Standard Poodle that needs grooming every 6-8 weeks. My groomer LOVES me!
Don't give him the house... if you have any equity be sure to take your share. Also, if/when you divorce get your name off of his vehicles ownership. Even if you're divorced and he wrecks a vehicle and hurts someone you have ownership to, you are liable.
Your happiness and your safety are all that matter. Be wise and realistic.
I know what you mean about feeling better when he's asleep.
Take good care,
Susie
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein
~ All Things Plants, SOUTHWEST GARDENING ~Cubits.org ENERGY & POWER
ImageRoadrunner
Mar 9, 2010 10:50 PM CST
Name: Jo Miklovic
Hereford, AZ

Penny...Susie has given you some great advice...Hugs and prayers...Jo
Imagetomatofreak
Mar 10, 2010 9:54 AM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
Penny, you are certainly in a place of understanding here. I've had more than one relationship with people addicted to alcohol or other substances. One was a woman I befriended to get her out of a house where both her husband and sons abused her. I had no idea that she, too, was alcoholic. She very nearly wrecked my life - and my bank account - for nearly six months till I got her out.

You'd think I'd have learned, but when I started dating this 'terrific' man a few years later, I had no idea that he was an alcoholic. He was very good at hiding how much he drank. I let him move in with me and that's when the truth began surfacing. When I had a friend over for dinner, we all had drinks. At the end of the evening, my friend and I were sober. He was passed out on the living room floor - and I had never seen him freshen his drink! I found hidden bottles in various places, including the bathroom where he'd excused himself to several times during dinner. Still, I didn't confront him till he returned from a several day 'business trip' so drunk he was suffering alcohol toxicity. To this day, I don't know how he managed not to kill himself or someone else on the road. He couldn't even talk and went straight to bed. When he awoke, somewhat more sober, hours later, I told him in even tones that he could have me or vodka but not both. I thought he would leave but to my amazement, he went to AA and sobered up. When I was certain he was clean, I married the man. Big, big, ginormous mistake. That's when I learned that a sober pathological liar is every bit as destructive as a drunk one. When we divorced about three years later, I was in a state of clinical depression that took me over a year to repair. And when I learned that the ink wasn't dry on the divorce decree before he married someone else, I told him that if I never saw him again, it would be too soon. I never did. About four years ago, I learned that he committed suicide, leaving a note that his life had "not turned out" the way he thought it should.

So, yes, we understand how deeply distressing your situation is. Been there, done that as they say. However, I want to encourage you to seek out local live help. If there is an Al-Anon group near you, please go. You will learn that you are not alone - in a big way. Also, look for organizations that assist women in transition. South Carolina is a big place and I don't know if you're near a city large enough to find shelters - even for short time respite - and organizations like Sojourners (here in AZ) that exist to help women in situations like yours.
I did find this one in links from a larger site: http://www.c4women.org/

Please keep posting here and let us know how you are. But reach out for some real help close to you. You need that support, too.
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Imagebsavage
Mar 10, 2010 1:48 PM CST
Name: Brenda
Dolores, Colorado
Pennypen, as Jo said above, you are getting some excellent advice here. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, and I have to say that I am concerned about you waiting to move forward. I understand that you think you need to wait, and maybe you do, but do consider that the sooner you move on the sooner you can create the life you want. It sounds to me like he is abusive, and you must protect yourself. Also, on the house issue, as Aguane said, if you have any equity in it, you should protect your interest in it.

I am glad you came here to share, and as you can see, there are some amazing and loving people on this forum. Please keep talking with us... we'll help you get through it. One day you'll look back and be so glad that you made the changes to give yourself your life back.

Hugs from me...

Brenda

p.s. I like Aguane's idea for changing your name to PennyFree!
Pennypen
Mar 10, 2010 4:48 PM CST
Name: Katt
South Carolina
Flower Arrangements
Hi Alma
I appreciate the words of encourgement
when you have gone through the same
kind of experince as somone else.
You have an understanding of what they are
going through no one knows unless they have
lived it.
I was talking to a friend of mind this morning
she knows my husband but her life is
nothing like mind. Her husband is terrific
treats her like a lady, and shows her he loves
her he is kind, sweet. Etc
I was telling her what my husband did
just last night he passed out in the chair
beside me I noticed he had something
in his sock, it was a bottle of vodka
I don't like to talk to her about stuff she
doesn't understand.
Then she started taking about another
lady we know that is [was] going through
some things as well divorce, losing her home
a lot of stuff.
I asked her If she heard from her, she said
YES, she is doing so good she is done
with the pitty party. And is getting her life
in order. I wondered If she refer's to other's
about me the same way?
She has no idea!
I did check on the women's support and
al-alon I plan joining both
thanks to everyone who has responded
It really does help me. I know things will
not always be like this, I will make it happen
and have thought about being a volunteer
in the future to help other people who
need word of encourgement in their
dark times

Penny Penn
ImageRoadrunner
Mar 10, 2010 5:50 PM CST
Name: Jo Miklovic
Hereford, AZ

Hi Penny..I'\ve been gone all day...to a luncheon and to a meeting of the Widowed Support Group...so glad you are making some forward moves! Keep up the good work...we're here for you. Jo
countrypleasure
Mar 12, 2010 7:36 PM CST
.
My story is long but I will try and summerize it up..I have abandonment and trust issues-My mom died when I was 3 and my father put me in foster care cause he could take care of me..But when he'd come visit I'd beg him to take him home and he always said not yet..When I was 7 I moved back home with him and he remarried a short time later..My Stepmom never accepted me but I always treated her like a mom...
Her best friend had a little girl and I saw my dad treat her better then me...I was always teases at school and always told I was dumb and what ever I said was a lie at home..
When I was 17 I got pregnant and married but was talked into giving my baby up for adoption..Been married to the same man for almost 20 yrs..Been force to have 2 abortions..All 3 things I have no feeling of the guilt or regret like I think I should..
My husband has been very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me..I have No feeling for him at all and want nothing to do with him..I've tried leaving but he's always guilted me back in...
Now I am waiting for the divorce to be final..I am becoming happy and learning to rely on only myself..Which at times for me is really scary...
ImageRoadrunner
Mar 12, 2010 9:25 PM CST
Name: Jo Miklovic
Hereford, AZ

My Dear, I applaud your decision to live for YOURSELF!

Hugs Jo
ImageAguane
Mar 12, 2010 9:31 PM CST
Name: Susie
Phoenix AZ
Welcome, Countrypleasure!
What Jo said! Hurray!
This new adventure you're embarking upon is scary and thrilling! Enjoy every moment! You'll feel liberated. Be thoughtful, in the moment, and take and deep breath and smell the flowers. Don't be shy about asking good people for support of help... even if it's moving the sofa - or whatever. Check in often! Be strong and keep the faith. You've done the right thing.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein
~ All Things Plants, SOUTHWEST GARDENING ~Cubits.org ENERGY & POWER
Imagetomatofreak
Mar 13, 2010 8:26 AM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
Countrypleasure, a change of this nature is huge and it's natural to be scared. Based on your account of things, you may benefit from counseling. The divorce by itself will liberate you from an unhappy marriage but won't - by itself - help you through your trust and abandonment issues. Those feelings have been with you for decades and run deep. It's difficult to be happy and it usually takes some work on ourselves. I'm glad you're here and hope we can all continue to talk about our transitions - as different as they all are.
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Imagetomatofreak
Mar 13, 2010 8:38 AM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
Time for an update, Brenda. I got my license for massage therapy last week! Woo-Hoo! And I just got word this week from the Board of Nursing that my Nurse Assistant license will be coming in a few days. WOO-HOO!! Thought I'd never get that one. It's got to be one of the most inefficient agencies I've ever dealt with. I had to do my fingerprints twice. After the last time, I waited and waited and waited. Finally, I asked if they'd sent them to Interpol! That's when they said that all they needed was a copy of my birth certificate and they'd issue it immediately. Well, I'd sent the b/c and obviously they'd lost it. So next week, I should have my CNA, too.

And now comes the scary part. I'm no longer waiting for licenses; they're here so to speak. Now what?? Now I have to prepare for interviews, go and talk to people (SCORE) who can help me with a business plan and actually start working! I've never done a business plan; I've always dived into cold water feet first. Any suggestions here?
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Imagebsavage
Mar 13, 2010 10:14 AM CST
Name: Brenda
Dolores, Colorado
Countrypleasure, thanks for sharing with us. Congratulations on making a change for yourself... you deserve to live a life that is full and happy. Though you couldn't control your childhood, you can control your adulthood! I hope that you are looking forward with excitement and happy anticipation... now you can choose to do what you want to do with your life!

Alma, I am so proud of you! Way to go, girl! I know you have been working on these licenses for a while now, and through some difficult circumstances. You are amazing! Conratulations and a big WOOOO-HOOOO from me! As for resources on creating a business plan, I don't suppose that I am much help there, but I'm hoping someone else here will have some good ideas for you. Are you starting your own massage therapy business? What are your plans for your Nursing Assistant license? What area do you want to work in?

I remember when you first started to discuss obtaining these licenses, and you truly are an inspiration to anyone who wants to make a life change! I know it hasn't been easy, and that it's taken a lot of perserverance and wherewithal... and you've done it! Very big congratulatory hugs from me...
Hurray! Hurray!

Brenda
Imagetomatofreak
Mar 13, 2010 11:17 AM CST
Name: Alma
Phoenix & Cottonwood, AZ
USDA zone 9b, Sunset 13 & ??
Thanks, Brenda; it has been a challenge, but very interesting and rewarding. Yes, I do want to work for myself but I'm open to employment, depending on the requirements. But self-employment is the big reason for wanting to do a business plan. Lorne (the MOTH) is also a CNA and is still in school, heading for a degree in nursing. There are many things we could do individually and together so having a business with all that entails - licenses, insurance, financial plans, marketing plans, not to mention solid goals - sounds like a good idea.

To answer your question: I got the CNA because I want to work with an elderly cohort - or convalescents - who need more than a massage. My thought was that I'd be more in demand if I could do both. We'll see how that pans out. Smiling

I would like to say to anyone who entertains the thought, "I can't do that" to banish it quickly and completely. I'll say more about that later but suffice it to say now that I've done things I would never have dreamed in my childhood. Or even in my adulthood!
Alma
In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. – Thomas Jefferson
Dann_L
Mar 13, 2010 11:31 AM CST
Name: Dan
San Tan Valley, AZ
Congratulations Alma!!!

What you have accomplished is an inspiration!
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Southwest Living
ImageRoadrunner
Mar 13, 2010 12:16 PM CST
Name: Jo Miklovic
Hereford, AZ

YOU GO, GIRL!! Jo

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