Words forum: Storytelling

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ImageSharon
Mar 13, 2011 4:01 PM CST
Name: Sharon
Kentucky
Storytelling is popular among adults as well as young people. Sometimes stories are based on truth, and sometimes fiction, but most storytellers leave us with a message. This is the place to share your storytelling ventures and to read those of others.

If you would like to have your work critiqued, this is the place for constructive criticism. If you prefer your critique to be private, then please let us know that, too.
BennysPlace
Mar 14, 2011 9:23 PM CST
Hi Sharon,

I love this site you are creating and the resources you are providing. You know how I love to write and what a joy if I could make a living at it. This is just a quick thought process I had. I welcome your critique my friend. :)

Blessings, Ben

A Point of Light

"I am not sure anyone will buy it?" A man filled with trepidation stood on the edge of the universe looking down at the small blue planet. "What is there to buy?" the voice called back seemingly more faint than the last time it spoke. "You give us all this beauty and the incredible gift of love and all we must do is believe in it to experience it?" "Precisely." The voice was even more faint now. "They all seem so preoccupied. Why will they pay any attention to me?" "Most will not but you will be a point of light that may guide some of them." The voice tapered off to a whisper and the universe swiftly turned into a small room and the infinite light was replaced by a small lamp above a bed.

Through the years, he tried to share his message only to be ridiculed. "If you look upwards, you will see a point of light. Or wait? I'm the point of light. Damn, I cannot remember." Laughter.

Quietly the full grown man stood at the edge of his bed. "I tried. No one listened. They all seem so preoccupied and it is getting worse. I can no longer hear your voice in my ears but I learned a long time ago to listen with my heart. I am scared for us. Apathy and hatred seem to be winning." "What can I do?" "Oh yes, be a point of light. I keep forgetting."
ImageSharon
Mar 14, 2011 9:34 PM CST
Name: Sharon
Kentucky
Hi Ben,
It's so good to hear from you. Been a long time.

And I like the depth of your story.

I'm wondering if it would be more effective if you separated the conversations. It is a little difficult to tell who is saying what. Sometimes just adding line spaces helps.

Like this, maybe:

"I'm not sure anyone will buy it," a man filled with trepidation......

"What is there to buy?" A voice called back....

"You give us all this beauty...."

"Precisely..."

See? It makes it a bit easier to follow. Try editing your story above using the line spaces and let's see if it makes it easier to follow.

I hope this becomes a really helpful place for those of us who love writing. I'm glad you are here. It's late here but I'll check back in tomorrow and will look at your story once more then.

Thanks for joining us, Ben.

ImageHappyJackMom
Mar 17, 2011 7:21 PM CST
Name: Donna Yates
Happy Jack, AZ - Zone 5a
Good to see you here Benny. Maybe I can learn from your writing.

This is an interesting site Sharon, but I have much to learn.
ImageSharon
Mar 17, 2011 7:27 PM CST
Name: Sharon
Kentucky
We always have a lot to learn, Donna...all of us.
We are still working on content for this site...helpful links, that kind of thing.

Baby steps, that's were we are right now.
But soon....very soon.

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